Okay, maybe it’s due time I told you guys…I have a new job. And why wouldn’t I? I’m not some lazy inconsiderate jerk who lays in bed all day. Say, where did I get this…job? Oh they’re everywhere thanks to outsourcing, especially if you’re 22, a nursing graduate, and is a NEET who’s been doing nothing but for almost a month.

I’m a new hire in SPi Global as an editorial support agent for BioMedCentral. It’s a non-voice account, so HOPEFULLY it would be less stressful than my previous one as a customer service representative for AT&T prepaid in Teleperformance. Ugh, I don’t even want to think about my previous work, but I admit - minus the stress I get from the irate and nearly insatiable customers and the rather crappy account, I miss my life there. But I can’t live in the past, nor can I earn a living from it, although I do admit that it’s probably why I got accepted because I heard they turned down many fresh graduates (man, I feel more experienced now, as well as much older). And because of that, even though I still have my aversions with the BPO industry, I went back to it, although my return is somewhat on a lighter scale.

It’s supposed to be a fresh new start, but somehow my past from Teleperformance is haunting me, making me feel that this is just going to be the same damn ball game all over again, that whatever happened to me before will happen again - me underperforming and getting fired without warning for it. But no, I believe and claim that this time is going to be different, even if the setup, from the production floors to the cafeteria, looks or even smells the same. However, believing and claiming, or even praying is never enough, and that’s why I need to do my part, which is to do my best.

Once an agent, always an agent. And I’m back, hopefully without a vengeance. New company, new job, new faces - finally, it’s season 2 of my seinen arc.

It’s been more than a month since I got “laid off” from Teleperformance, and somehow I kind of miss working because of the friends and the money I was making and all, but most of the time I don’t. As of right now, I just want to take a backseat from the world of work and do what I like to do - write, read manga and novels, watch movies and anime, play video games, and cosplay. But of course, this mustn’t last forever, so I make it a point that I try to send my resumes to different institutions, whether it be personally or thru e-mail, mostly thru e-mail because that’s kind of how it is now, all thanks to the internet. Still, there are people who think that I’m being lazy.

Mother asked me if I’m the only one among my batchmates who cosplay or go to conventions, and I said yes, then she started to deduct that I’m being a lazy and immature child. Okay, I believe I’ve already written so many times before about how cosplay isn’t really just for kids or teens, but my arguments are all automatically invalid because I’m currently unemployed.

Then there’s father who decides to pitch in and tell me that I’m a lazy freeloader just because he doesn’t see me get out of the house and scour the metro to look for a job. Apparently, he hasn’t heard that aside from looking for videos of singers during the 60’s and 70’s, the internet can also be used to send resumes and look for jobs so that you can save your time, fare money, and effort looking for one.

To them, playing video games + being a cosplayer + no job - circumstantial and personal consideration = total irresponsibilty = deviation from the “ideal son”. Well, I’m really very sorry if I’m not the son that they always wanted - the son who can’t think for himself, the son who has no interest in fiction, the son who has no hobbies, the son who is just another cogwheel of society, the son who just follows the blueprint of life which is school-work-family-retirement-death, the son who is just the samee . I guess I really am a failure, a reject…

Or maybe I’m just overreacting and overthinking things. Maybe they don’t really mean to demean the things I do or who I am. Maybe all they want for me is to seek employment, even though they won’t believe that I already am doing so. And if these maybes are confirmed right, then I’d be happy because it means they are concerned about me and want me to be successful.

But in the event that I discover that they actually despise who I am, who I have become, and the things I do, and if this entire drama is not just about me finding employment but changing who I am and the things I love, then I still would understand, but I’d feel betrayed.

Then again, even though I had work before, my parents weren’t really fans of my cosplaying, so it could be that they abhor what I do. But I just would like to believe that maybe they just don’t understand me. Yeah, I guess I’ll just stick with the belief that would give me less stress and pain.

Well, whatever this whole drama is about, be it about finding employment and improving myself or me having a radical change in lifestyle and just becoming another cog of society, I still love them just the same. I just hope that they love me enough to accept who I am, even if who I am isn’t a part of the “plan”.

After I lost my job as an agent, I degenerated back to being a NEET (not employed, in education, or training). I know, I know, it sucks, it’s not much of a life, and I’m being a slothful bastard, but somehow for now I don’t really give a damn even though people have been telling me that I should get back on the employment horse right away. I mean, this is my life, I do deserve an optional vacation, and I’m gonna get back to being a productive member of society anyway, just not as of the moment. And when I say after the moment I mean maybe I’ll start job hunting by October. Or if someone offers me right here right now.

But honestly, the NEET life isn’t really much of a life, as my activities of daily living is divided to two types:

Real - things I do in the real life:

• Eating and drinking
• Pissing and crapping
• Sleeping
• Doing household chores
• Hygiene (taking a bath, toothbrush, etc.)
• Entertainment (watching TV, reading novels and manga)
• Church on Sundays

Virtual - things I do in front of my girlfriend PC:

• Facebook
• Netsurfing (usually 9gag, tvtropes, wikipedia, etc.)
• Blogging
• Gaming (DoTA, Dragon Nest, Skyrim)
• Manga scans
• Theatrical entertainment (movies and anime)

Aside from the daily grind, I also have special days like hanging out with my friends and cosplaying, but now they’re more occasional and farther in between now because my funding has been cut off and now I’m running on non-renewable resources (savings from work).

Sure, it’s not really much of a life, but my previous life as an agent wasn’t much either. Well, maybe it’s a little better, but I’m a little bit not missing that yet very much. Right now I just want to chill. I know it’s wrong and pretty shameful to live off my parents again, but it’s not like I’m never gonna work again anyway. Besides, maybe this is my “hero on hiatus” arc. Maybe I’m on some sort of special training (what kind of training involves a sedentary lifestyle?), got stripped of my powers, or lost an important battle and fell can’t pick myself up. Whatever reasons it may be, I, I mean we, all know one thing - I’ll be back, really back, exponentially better than ever.

But as of right now, I’ll just be a lazy ass until I snap out of this and get my drive up and running once again. However, I’ll take any job offers I get right now, although I won’t proactively search for one.

And don’t tell me to get a life, unless you want me to take yours. Damn it, I need to read Welcome To The NHK all over again…

It was just going to be another day of grinding at the call center. Or so I thought. If only I knew that this day was going to be special then I would’ve risen to the occasion and probably would’ve worn snazzier threads. Then again, it wouldn’t be a special day if there wouldn’t be a surprise. An unpleasant surprise. Still, a surprise is a surprise, and it’s a rather liberating one and a cause for a bittersweet celebration. 

I just sat there at my station, doing whatever I have to do, when Boss Joy told me that she’ll talk to me. I was just thinking that it’s gonna be that regular “I’m not doing good enough” talk. Apparently, I was wrong, because it’s our final talk which consisted of that “you have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting” kind of talk sprinkled by pseudo-inspirational crap, and after that she told me to log out and that I no longer have to report to work tomorrow. Which only meant one thing - I’M FREE! It’s not how or when I wanted it or it’s supposed to be, but nonetheless I’m free. After my autograph signing (“indecent incident report” and end-of-contract agreement and all other pretentious formalities crap), it was over. Now all I need is to surrender my ID and policy guidebook, then I’m set for my final pay. Well, it’s good that I get to have my life back and have no life again and all, but still I couldn’t help but resent what they’ve done to me.

The reason why I “graduated” was because I didn’t hit my metrics. Let me break it down for you civilians how my agent performance was measured:

-Net Representative Satisfaction (How much of a doorstep you are to your customers):

• Goal: 70%
• My score: 36.75%

-24-Hour Resolution (How good you are in stopping a customer from calling again within the day):

• Goal: 87.8%
• My score: 81.69% (because there’s a big difference between 1.22/10 people no longer calling back and 1.831/10 people calling back)

-7-Day Repeat (How good you are in stopping a customer from calling again within the week):

• Goal: 22.5%
• My score: 32.28% (because you’re a bad customer service representative when 3/10 people call back within a week)

-Average Handle Time (How much time I waste in crap I couldn’t stand):

• Goal: 471 seconds 
• My score: 544 seconds (because about ten minutes to help someone out is way too long)

At the end of the day and the contract, we’re just hired pieces of machinery that they fuel with a little bit of dough so that we’d do our bottom-rung work of solving the problems of their customers money cows that they mislead with false advertising, while the customers money cows prey on us by asking ridiculously opportunistic requests, so we’re left with no choice but to give way, all in the hopes of getting a good survey. And it’s not enough that we do our job right - we have to do it according to how they want it, which happens to be impossible.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures, many agents resorted to the manipulation of the metrics through the different tricks they pick up to make them seem that they’re hitting the target. It’s pretty dirty, but if you don’t do this you won’t last long. After all, the company prefers being fooled rather than seeing a clean and honest work, because it’s the tricks that rake in the money for the agents, and if the agents rake in money then so do the supervisors, and if the supervisors do so then the account managers do so as well. It’s a cycle of filth and greed, and I refused to be a part of it, that is why I lost my job. Totally worth it.

The six months “newbie immunity” is there to make us work, while the impossible metrics are there to filter and discard us after six months worth of honest work or an indefinite period of stealthy dirty work. Essentially, it’s the perfect setup to prevent anyone from lasting too long. And because they keep hiring week after week, they never really dry out of workforce. Hire, train, work, terminate - it’s a never-ending cycle, until the client pulls out. As I’ve said a thousand times already, we’re just parts expected to comply to their ridiculous standards, and failure to do so means being thrown away and replaced by someone else which they’ll now treat as something.

I was asked to report another week after the payout (which meant futilely spending money on a job that you won’t get to keep in the end) and not get the July 21-Aug 5 payout because I’ll be missing five days, made me do calls during queuing (when calls come one after another), was asked to submit a medical certificate because I was absent on Monday, terminated me when it was written on my contract that my performance appraisal is six months after hiring, which should be August 13 - all of this done in the midst of my teammates, all of this I was kept in the dark about.

It wasn’t fair really, and I felt truly hurt and betrayed by how they let dirty players get away with it just because they’re performing, how I wasn’t forewarned of all this so that I could do an immediate resignation while my trickster of a teammate who dropped calls and cheated his way up was given a 30-day leeway so that he could work for Convergys, how they didn’t let me emotionally prepare to bid farewell to what my life had been and the friends I’ve made for five months, and how I was made to do what seemed like a walk of shame and weakness to HR department. All this from a company that I spent my time and effort for five months. I guess they probably thought they could treat me like crap just because they paid me for my services. Well, if that’s the kind of company they are, then I guess that’s a reason why they’re not the top outsourcing company in our country.

As for me, now that a door has been closed, many others have been opened. Yeah, I’ll be drifting back to the hikikomori lifestyle for awhile, but hey, it’s much better now because I have the last of my money, plus the final pay. I’ll probably enjoy the unemployed life once again, and get back once I start to get bored…again. 

Dear Teleperformance,

You probably thought you can just throw me away like that after all that I’ve done. Well, maybe you can, but that’s alright because I was already leaving anyway, you just expedited the process. Yes, you may treat us like we’re expendable, but look at how the careers of those you’ve thrown away have progressed. Yeah, maybe I didn’t fare so well under your roof, but that’s alright because you really can’t make a star out of a genius if you put him in a monkey circus. And I do admit that the pay was good, well, that, aside from the friends I’ve made and the times I’ve spent with them, are the only good things that came from you. And honestly, if I could make the money come out of my other end, I would, so that I could smear it on your walls and windows so that everyone will see what you truly are and how you treat your employees - like crap. And just like crap that you leave on the toilet, I won’t back. 

At first, it was everything I ever wanted - a venue I can spend my time on instead of wasting it, an opportunity to widen my circles and horizons, and perhaps secretly yet most importantly - gain financial independence. And when I thought things couldn’t get any better, I began weaving bonds with my team members. No longer are they just mere coworkers I have to interact with for survival’s sake - they have become friends who shared their lives with me and my life with theirs. It was a comfortable haven that allows me to make dough, use my time for more productive reasons, and be with awesome and genuine people. Too good to be true, right? Well, it is. The friendship is good, the work is good, but the work is not. 

You know those works of fiction where the protagonist is a member of a big-ass organization whose intent is superficially benevolent yet a little shady, the protagonist agent starts smelling something fishy with the organization he works for, so the protagonist decides to snoop around to uncover the truth, only to have the suspicions confirmed, so the protagonist goes rogue and rebels against the very organization that he/she had high esteems of, the very organization that honed him/her - that’s what my life feels like right now. It made me an agent, it fed me with rewards, it gave me a rocking time. Then they expected more from me, but I could not deliver, so I resorted to the dirty tricks my fellow agents have taught me, but it was wrong and was not worth the risk of getting caught, so I did not do so. But when they accuse me of a crime I did not commit, coupled by the fact that I’m already at risk for termination because I could not fulfill their impossible demands - that was the last straw. I have lost all my faith with their system, it’s due time that I left. 

I have unearthed their conspiracy - the impossible metrics that they came up with is designed to cause agents to fail or risk cheating to succeed and get caught, which both result to termination. Question is - why would an employer purposely lay off its agents? Well, simple - that’s because every six months, we are to get a performance appraisal, which could either lead to a longer stay and Php1000 if you’re good, and you get either probation or outright termination if you’re not that good or have been doing forbidden techniques to pull up your metrics. And with a profit-oriented management, it’s quite expected that they’d rather cut costs instead of keeping their agents. All they need do is train you for a month, make you work under a contract without any secure promise of permanence, gauge you using unattainable stats, and discard you when you have outlived your usefulness. And since newbies get hired on a daily basis and enter production on a weekly one, it’s child’s play for the management to outpace the rate of termination, perpetuating operation without pause. That is their filthy and nefarious scheme.

Those who work earnestly or leave a trace of dirty work are banished, while those whose tricks remain undetected are kept, or even rewarded. And if the agents are rewarded by the client, so are the supervisors, and the account managers as well by the client. It’s filthy money, and I could no longer stomach how unfair the system is. I, who refuse to manipulate my metrics, note everything that has transpired, render true and honest customer service, am at risk for termination, while those who stealthily employ underhand tactics survive or even thrive…NO MORE, I CAN’T TAKE THIS!

I couldn’t really blame other agents for doing what they do in order to stay, for I understand that they need to keep the work. But as for me, I just don’t see myself  in this line of dirty work, so I’ll just do things my way - the clean and legit way, and I don’t give a damn if the management discards me anytime soon, as long as I have a clear conscience. Besides, I no longer want the work anyway in the first place - assisting dumb, abusive, and greedy customers for eight hours a day, listening to their unreasonable and impossible requests and complaints, absorbing their rage. And I don’t need all that.

I don’t mean to sound like I’m arrogant enough to say no to money, and even though they’re paying me a lot considering that the job is routinely easy, it’s still not worth it because of how we are viewed and treated by the customers, the client (the account holder), and the management. To them, we’re just mercenaries who get paid to do our work, nothing more and nothing less. But not me, for I want something more and different. I want a work that promises me permanence and growth, a work where I’m considered an integral part of a force, not an expendable gear. And I guess it’s not the call center. 

Soon enough I’ll be spitted out by the purgatory called work, forced to scour the limbo of unemployment once again for a new life. But whatever I’ve learned and the friends that I’ve gained in that penitential plane of call center life, I’ll never forget them and carry them with me forever. And its demons that play king to the souls their realm traps, well, their time shall end. Not anytime soon perhaps, and nor by my hand, but it will end. 

Part and parcel of the Filipino academic life is the suspension of classes due to either very strong rains or storm signals, which happens to be under the power of (evil) government agencies DepEd for pre-school to high school and CHEd for college. Sometimes they get it right by actually announcing at the right conditions at the right time, but sometimes they get it wrong by declaring at either the wrong time or conditions, or even both…

Of course, the best thing to hear right after you wake up during rainy weather is  that classes are suspended, or even just before you set foot out the gate. after being disappointed by the weatherman at first, . Just being at home, watching DVD’s, reading a good manga or a novel, browsing whatever is on the internet, drinking milk, coffee, cocoa, or a can of beer, sipping on soup, congee, noodles, or any good meal with that homely broth from mother’s loving menu, or maybe even just lay at the cozy bed with that thick comforter, blanket and fluffed pillows - ah, tranquility, a much-deserved break from academics. The only drawback is you don’t get the dough, you don’t get to see your friends, and most importantly…your crush.

Then there are times whenever the two suspend in less than impeccable timing. You come in class wet because of the falling waters from the skies and the rising waters on the ground, you sit while you shiver as the air-conditioning freezes you like Megatron. You refuse to listen to the lecturer because you’re still in the denial phase over the death your expected unexpected one-day holiday, so you look outside and feel resentful at how Mother Nature failed you. But then you feel your phone vibrating, and you either know or hope what the message is all about, and you’re not sure you’re not the only one getting this. Only a matter of time, and then finally they give way - “ALL CLASSES ARE SUSPENDED DUE TO INCLEMENT WEATHER”, the PA announces and the student body rejoices with a resounding cheer that is almost like a roar. Some go directly home, some see an opportunity to hang out, while the nerds get bummed because the academic year is gonna get pushed back by a few days, aside from the fact that they didn’t get their learning, not that it’s something negative…it’s just that it’s…nerdy…

And if you’re not going home after that joyous declaration of liberation brought about by immense precipitation, you’ll probably be eating fishballs, noodles, congee or whatever cheap and warm streetfood is available (or maybe a fastfood restaurant if your circle of friends are rich), watching soaked girls as their frames become more obvious in their white uniform, going to the nearby mall to hang out, maybe play in the arcades or watch a movie, or even just play DoTA or whatever LAN game - it’s like you went to school to validly play hooky. Still, there’s one thing that’d totally top the scenarios above…

She’s soaking wet as she waits for the rain to weaken under a shed. You wonder why she doesn’t have an umbrella with her, apparently she’s being her forgetful ditz self again, but you can’t help it - she’s just too helplessly cute to scold, so you approach her while you see in her eyes that she’s about to break into tears, then you unfurl your umbrella right in front of her - complete with the droplets being flicked away and the mighty rushing sound, as if it’s your wings, then you whisper in a voice just audible enough for her to hear…“uhm, kung gusto mo, sabay ka sakin…”, then she wipes her nearly-crystallized tears caught by her lower lashes with her soft and pristine little fingers and sweetly asks you “okay lang…?”, then you slightly nod your head in approval. Unexpectedly, she latches on your arm, and you feel her warmth and softness, your pulse grows faster and stronger, your sympathetic response kicks in…but you refuse to be pathetic - you grow some balls and ask her “diretso na ba tayong uwi o gusto mong gumala”.She wonderfully smiles at you and returns the question…“ikaw, saan mo gusto?” “May alam akong lugar, kung saan di ka na mababasa at giginawin pang muli…”, you tell her. Mystified, she wonders “saan naman ‘yon?” 

You look carefully deep down and straight in her bright sunshine eyes that hungrily anticipates an answer, so you say with the warmest of your smile “sa puso ko…” 

Truly, the suspension of classes is a beloved random magical event for every Filipino student. Never has been a cold day, save Christmas and New Year, welcomed with such warmth. Too bad school’s been long over for me, and work doesn’t get suspended even if a tree outside the office got uprooted and crushed two bikes…(not actual photo). Yeah, well, that’s because of that crazy urban legend that working people are waterproof.

P.S.: If it floods, sucks for you. Sucks even worse if it’s the two of you. Or maybe not really. Depends on how you see the situation, if you know what I mean…

It’s over. Finally. She’s going away. Good riddance…but who am I kidding? I guess I really did love her, or else I would never have felt that icicle drive through my chest when Boss Joy told us that she’ll be transferred to another team because of a mandated reshuffle. I’m ambivalent about all this - I guess I am glad it’s over and I’ll be reminded of the past less often, but somehow I felt that maybe she doesn’t really have to go away. Or maybe it’s yesterday’s feelings brought forth by my memories, blurring my judgement…

What came after the announcement was a vicious setup by our coworkers at her farewell dinner at Pizza Hut - me and her beside each other, for one last time, and I guess I’ll play along for old times’ sake. And in her farewell, I guess in my heart’s ocean of emotions, beneath the raging seas lies a subsided love which turned to a seafloor fertile enough to grow forgiveness despite the destruction she had caused. 

After everything, I went down the jeep where we were always beside each other (Sponge Cola English version), I bade farewell, and she thanked me, I don’t know why. I do admit I’m a little bit melancholic, but I feel so freed now that I’ve released my bitterness and hatred for her. Still, despite that, I’ll never want her and the likes of her again. 

Fare well, Sixth Angel. We’ll probably see each other on the floor but no longer as teammates, somewhat like strangers again, which is good for me. But just so you know, I’m happy now both because I’ve forgiven you and you’re moving away and I can now move on with my life now and no longer have to see you every single day, so much so that I’m not even excited with the three replacement girls that might be pretty…and I ain’t looking for the Seventh yet. 

She cut her hair short, like an inward bob. Clare-hair, post-breakup. She’s beautiful, I admit, so much so that my steely resolve to keep myself away from her is being bent.

And what’s worse is that my coworkers have been all up in my business, saying “ang ganda ni Ina, ano?”, and I couldn’t help but agree because it is true. I nod to their teasing with a smile, pretending that everything’s okay even though deep inside I’m bleeding because of what she did. But I’m not one to stick around a girl just because I am attracted to her. I know better, for she’s a beautiful liar who told a horrible lie which up to now is haunting me.

“Di ka naman daw nanliligaw e” Angelica, a former teammate who is now with another team, instigates me with the lie circulating around the floor that came from the Sixth Angel’s lips. Once again, just like in high school and college, I’m infamous for all the wrong reasons. See? This is what Zacc has warned me of - “do not shit where you eat” (do not fall for a coworker), he said. But I did, and now I pay the price - my reputation, and now I seem like a spineless fool to many while she gets away blameless like the perfect little Maria Clara. She spoke first, plus the fact that she has that “harmless hardworking teenage agent who’s working to pay for her education” visage going on while I’m just some kind of alcoholic otaku junkie gamer and I never really spoke about it because I don’t really want to seem bitter and antagonize her at the same time, therefore many people would believe her much more than they would believe me. To let a lie about me spread like wildfire and not douse it with the truth because I know it’s gonna biter her in the ass - that’s how much I loved her. LOVED. PAST TENSE. And maybe the fact that I never really tell anyone about it is proof that there’s still some left…

“Nag-usap na sila ni Ina” Crystal tells Angelica. I guess she knows the truth, and I didn’t have to either come to my defense or defame the Sixth Angel. She knows that I really did fight, although I got defeated. I guess it does feel good when people know the truth apart from the lie circulating around. If I was the one who told others about it, I’ll just seem bitter, but the truth has its way of revealing itself, and I’m glad for that. 

Sixth Angel, no matter how you sport your hair, even if it’s a hime cut or even Godiva hair. Heck, even if you wear it really long and dye it red and go to work wearing armor, I will not take you back. Now if only I can take back the fact that I did love you…beautiful liar, full of your ugly lies…

This is you. Look at yourself in the mirror. 

According to the Theory of X, man is naturally lazy and must be motivated in order to be able to work. And to me, Theory of X isn’t just a theory - it’s a law. You see, I was never really responsible and hardworking, because I’m more of the free-spirited and happy-go-lucky type. Well, yes, I do whatever is required, but not anything beyond that. And that is why today, I only worked for five and a half hours. 

I work eight hours a day (not counting lunch, which is unpaid). And whenever mission control (people who control calls and agents on the floor) offers a one-hour timeout, I take it, even if it means that my salary gets scrapped a little. But today’s different, because I took two timeouts today, even though we’re limited to only one per day, but I didn’t care, because all I wanted was to laze around at work. And on the second timeout, since I took it at 1PM and the end of the shift is at 2PM, I went home early, only to be scolded by my folks because apparently what I did is not what a good employee does according to them, but I don’t really care because they don’t know what they’re saying. I mean, they offered me a timeout and I wanted to accept it, so I did, it’s not like I requested for it or walked out of the office and went home like a socially indifferent human being.

But whatever, at least I got to cut work. At least I got to have an early break from answering calls of some shameless Americans who call customer service asking for money (we get many calls that ask for credit around 12-2PM). Yeah, it cost me about Php160 to slack around today, but to see your co-workers still being tormented while you’re as free as a butterfly - priceless. 

Unlike the past angels, I did not die when the Sixth Angel cut me. Like Wolverine, I just recovered and walked it off. All it took was a few drinks, a few DoTA games and quests in Skyrim; a few chapters of Gintama, Sun-ken Rock, The Lovely Bones (which I ironically borrowed from her), and American Psycho, a few payrolls, a few hours with my college and work friends, a few delicious dishes, and a few hours of sleep, then I was good as new. Heck, I’m so awesome right now that I’m the one who’s feeling bad for her because she’s isolating herself and refuses to hang out with the rest of the team.

But then, whenever I thought that I’m 100% undamaged by the aftermath, I get these stupid thoughts. I suddenly ask - why am I not feeling awful? Does that mean I didn’t really love her? Wait, why should I feel awful because I’m not feeling awful? Also, I suddenly catch myself no longer thinking about her…and then I start to think that I’m not thinking about her, which causes me to think about her. Damn think-ception.

Oh well, whatever. I’m not downcast, I’m not depressed, I’m not at an all-time low, which is good, I guess. Wait, what do I mean “I guess?”!? It’s good, all good, just perfect. I’m not really sure if I’m just growing up and finally learned how to deal with rejection, didn’t really give a damn to begin with, or just an effective coping mechanism, but whatever this is, it’s much better than being glum and moping around. After all, being down doesn’t really get me anywhere aside from…down. 

Whatever, I’m gonna enjoy life. If she doesn’t want to enjoy it with me, it’s her loss. And just because she turned me down doesn’t mean I’m gonna be down. For me, it’s all the way but up. Higher and higher, faster and faster, like a hurtling rocket, until I attain escape velocity, break free from her memory’s gravity, and see my stars. I’ll be rising from one high to another, towards the heavens, towards the future angel, and I’m not even in a hurry. I’m just gonna fly in the sky and let the wind of youth take me wherever it goes. 

I ain’t letting the thought of her drag me down. It’s dead weight, and I can’t let it kill me.